


illuminated.

by lonelydoctors



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 5 + 1, Angst, Falling In Love, Gen, I mean, Illumination, M/M, Relationship Study, Soulmates, also a lot of dramatic quotes, at least not in the end, because I live for that kind of stuff, could potentially also be seen as platonic, get the tissues, it sounds kinda light but it's not, it's also very fluffy and good for the heart, it's neil and todd, moments of the story from another point of view, nothing graphic though, todd and neil realising things, tw suicide, very angsty, what do you expect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 04:53:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14441787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelydoctors/pseuds/lonelydoctors
Summary: “We live in the small spaces between words, hiding between the said and all we cannot say.” // a relationship study on Neil and Todd and how being in the presence of each other lights up their whole world. Or: 5 moments that made Neil and Todd fall in love and 1 time they realised it)





	illuminated.

 

**illuminate (v.)**

to light something and make it brighter;

 

 

**§**

 

 

**I.**

 

It was his first day Welton Academy and honestly, Todd was terrified. There were too many people he didn’t know, too few things he recognised and way too many expectations to meet.

He walked around with his head hung low and his eyes cast downwards, trying to not draw any attention to himself, trying to be as invisible as possible.

 

The opening ceremony was awful. How was he supposed to live up to those big words?

 

Tradition, Honour, Discipline, Excellence.

 

He would never be those things, he would never be _excellent_ , the only thing Todd would ever be was Jeff Anderson’s older brother — forever living in the shadow of said brother, in the dark and muted, less colourful, less _unlocked_ world, that he left behind for him.

The blonde boy fiddled with his hands and stole a quick glance upwards, towards the podium, where the senior students had assembled, each one carrying a banner, each one having one of _those_ words written on them in big capital letters.

 

Todd wondered how they did it: did they glue the letters onto the banners? Or did they perhaps stitch them on there? Whatever way they did it, to Todd it felt like the exact same thing would happen to him.

In order to be able to see just a little bit of light, to see past the shadow of his brother, he would not only have to etch those words into his mind and soul but also burn them into his heart, making sure that everything he ever did would be in order to achieve them, to keep honour and gain excellence.

 

Just as he was about to lower his gaze again, Todd noticed him. The boy holding the banner with the word “Excellence” written on it. He was standing on the far right but Todd could still see him quite well.

 

It was ironic, he thought, that the most ugly word of them all was held up by one of the most beautiful people Todd had ever laid eyes on.

 

It was also ironic how precisely that boy would end up being his roommate.

 

—

 

Neil appeared perfect, with his chiselled features, his warm brown eyes and this huge smile that seemed to light up his whole face whenever he laughed. The way his deep voice would fill the room, making everyone hang onto his every word. The way his clean-cut brown hair would look kind of messy but just the _right_ kind of messy. The way he seemed to ooze confidence and pride every time he did so much as breathe.

 

Neil was immaculate, like a work of art, like a perfect equation. He was standing right next to Todd, he could even touch him if he wanted to, yet everything he was, everything he incorporated, seemed so very far away.

 

He was everything Todd had ever wanted to be.

He was everything Todd couldn’t ever be.

 

“ _Todd aimed to be unshakable and exceptional but his voice still shook and his heart wasn’t quite strong enough— however, maybe Neil would be the one to mend his broken self.”_

 

 

**§**

 

 

**II.**

 

It was a clear and crisp night and just as Neil was about to enter the main building again, he noticed a small figure sitting by the bridge. Upon closer inspection, he recognised the small hunched up person to be none other than his roommate Todd Anderson.

 

“Todd?”

 

—

 

He did it. Or at least he hoped he did. Neil couldn’t even imagine what Todd must have felt like, receiving the same thing for his birthday twice in a row — from his parents of all people. And then it wasn’t even something that Todd would like.

 

Neil had known Todd for less than a year and still he felt like he had a better understanding of him than the people who were closest to him since he was a child — how hurtful must that have been for Todd?

 

He could see it just now. The fear to disappoint, the panic of being overlooked, the feeling of worthlessness. It was all written on Todd’s face, the sorrow and insecurity for once painfully evident in his eyes, which were normally cast downwards.

 

However, he could also see the passion in him. When he threw that _stupid_ desk set as far as he could off the bridge, when he made it disappear _,_ made it _fly, he_ could feel the determination radiating off of him, could hear the anger in his desperate scream, could see the fire burning in his eyes.

 

Todd Anderson was one of a kind, Neil realised, he may be quiet and shy and anxious. But if there was one thing that he absolutely, definitely wasn’t, it was worthless. Todd was kind and gentle and smart and talented and _beautiful_. And he certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like this.

 

It was then and there that Neil swore to himself — he _would_ make Todd realise his worth, even if it killed him. It just would not do to have such a wonderful person think any less of themselves than they deserve.

 

Neil laughed. It started as a chuckle but it grew into full blown laughter, echoing through the cold and quiet night. Todd turned around, facing Neil, a smile tugging at the sides of his lips, his eyes sparkling with something that Neil couldn’t identify.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“ _Seeing Todd smile like this, mere moments after being so very distressed, made Neil feel more proud than any other thing he’s ever done —and it made his heart skip a beat.”_

 

 

**§**

 

 

**III.**

 

“I’m gonna act!” Neil jumped up from the bed, blanket drawn over his shoulders like a cape. “I’m gonna be an actor!”

 

Todd laughed and looked at the flyer again — _A Midsummer Night’s Dream._ A play put onby students of the Academy.

 

Acting. It was so _bizarre_ and so sudden and so _perfect._ Todd hadn’t ever thought about acting and Neil in the same context but now, with him exclaiming his desire to be in this play so fervently and determinedly, running around the room like a child on Christmas Day, he felt like there had never been another option.

 

His beauty alone would be enough for the stage, let alone his enthusiasm and his ability to charm people.

However, there was also another thing that came to mind when Todd thought about Neil and acting.

 

 _Impossible_.

 

There was absolutely no way his father would ever allow his son to be an actor. It wasn’t honourable, it wasn’t traditional, it wasn’t disciplined, it wasn’t _excellent_ — at least not in his father’s eyes.

Todd had always admired Neil for his diligence and his perseverance but each day he felt like there was something else that made Neil so stunning _._ It wasn’t his obedience or his strive for excellence that made him so impressive, it was his _passion_ , his determination to break out, to do the things he truly wanted to do. His attempt at escaping out of the dark prison around him, this clear set path, that his father wants him to take.

 

Neil’s euphoria filled the room, his aura vibrating with excitement and cheerful anticipation and Todd could not help but smile along with him. Whatever Neil wanted to do with his life, Todd was sure he could do it, and he would support him with all he had and everything he was.

 

“ _Neil was like raging thunder, full of energy and sparks and power — like a storm with pretty eyes and a heartbeat.“_

 

 

**§**

 

 

**IV.**

 

“Mr Anderson, you’re sitting there in agony. Come on Todd, step up, let’s put you out of your misery.”

 

Neil could feel the fear radiating off of Todd, it was filling up the whole classroom, crawling up the walls, clouding the windows and poisoning the air, making it hard to breathe, even for Neil.

 

“Mr Anderson thinks that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Isn’t that right, Todd? Isn’t that your worst fear?”

 

This was exactly what Neil had realised about Todd only a short while ago and it pained him almost physically to see Todd flinch under those words. To have Mr Keating realise it, too, gave him hope, that maybe together they could make Todd realise his worth, make him see how absolutely marvellous he was. The blonde boy cowered in his chair, trying his best to disappear into nothingness, or so it seemed to Neil.

 

It filled him with pain to see Todd in such clear distress but at the same time he knew it was for the best. If the other boy didn’t confront his own demons he would never get a chance at beating them — it wasn’t a question of whether he could or not, Neil was sure of it, deep down Todd had a fire burning inside of him, a strength unbeknownst to him, that would make said demons whimper andcower in fear.

 

When Todd finally got up and made his first attempt at a barbaric “Yawp”, Neil couldn’t help but chuckle along with the others. It was just so evident that he did not put his all into it, that the fire inside of him hasn’t even been lit yet.

 

It became less of a laughing matter when Todd’s breathing became more and more irregular with each attempt and his gaze flickered hurriedly from left to right, trying to look everywhere at once yet nowhere in particular.

 

Neil’s own breathing hitched and he held his breath as he clenched his hands around his book and focused his gaze upon Todd, and Todd alone, hoping, praying for him to overcome this, to master this challenge that was put before him.

 

—

 

_“Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it_

_It'll never be enough._

_You kick at it,_

_Beat it,_

_It'll never cover any of us._

_From the moment we enter crying_

_To the moment we leave dying,_

_It will just cover your face_

_as you wail and cry and scream.”_

 

He forgot. The people around him. The assignment. The next class. The play. The meeting with his father. _Blinking. Breathing_.

There was only Todd and his words.

 

Everyone was stunned, looking at the blonde boy before them in awe, like it was the first time they saw him. ‘But how could you not have seen?’, Neil wanted to shout. ‘How could you not have know what a genius sat beside you each day?’.

 

Yet, even though Neil never doubted his talent and strength, even he was astonished. The raw and unfiltered emotion of Todd’s poem struck him deeply and left him utterly speechless.

 

Todd’s gaze found his and suddenly it felt like his whole life came into focus again. A smile tugged at his lips and it was all Neil could do not to leap from his chair and scream at the top of his lungs.

 

_“For the first time in forever, Neil could feel the gloomy and dull world around him being illuminated.”_

 

 

**§**

 

 

**V.**

 

It was almost too beautiful to look at.

Neil, with his crown of thorns, high up on the stage, literally glowing with excitement and pride — it was mesmerising, it was _blinding_.

 

In this particular moment, surrounded by all his _friends_ , if he dare say so, Todd felt so incredibly happy. He wanted to laugh from the bottom of his heart, cry all the tears he had left in his body and scream from the top of his lungs. In the short while he had known Neil, he had made him feel more whole, more _alive_ , than he had ever felt before.

 

Even though, to Todd, Neil was still one of the most beautiful and perfect people he ever laid eyes, he was also _so_ much more than that. His life may not be as flawless and careless as it had seemed but it had only made him more _real_ , it made him tangible, made him even more perfect if that was possible at all. His childlike euphoria and his iron determination to achieve his dreams, no matter what, complemented each other perfectly.

 

 

_“If we shadows have offended,_

_Think but this, and all is mended,_

_That you have but slumber'd here_

_While these visions did appear._

_And this weak and idle theme,_

_No more yielding but a dream,_

_Gentles, do not reprehend:_

_If you pardon, we will mend._

_And, as i am an honest puck,_

_If we have unearned luck_

_Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,_

_We will make amends ere long;_

_Else the puck a liar call;_

_So, good night unto you all._

_Give me your hands, if we be friends,_

_And robin shall restore amends.”_

 

Todd’s breathing stopped and even though Neil was so very far away, high up on that stage, his gaze caught his eye and he could see the sparkle in his eyes. He could sense the other boy’s euphoria, could almost feel his erratic breathing and his hear his pounding heart — it was incredible.

Time seemed to stop for just a moment when their eyes met and Todd felt the proudest he’s ever been.

 

Then there was thunderous applause and suddenly everyone was standing and clapping and shouting. Neil’s whole face lit up and he laughed, Todd imagined he could almost hear his voice, over the sound of people cheering. And then he was also jumping to his feet, shouting as loud as his lungs would allow.

Neil took a bow and although the play was over and he wasn’t in character any more, it was still the most graceful bow Todd had ever seen.

 

—

 

Everything was rushed and hectic, there were so many people and Todd didn’t know where to go, all he wanted to do was see Neil. He wanted to congratulate him, wanted to speak to him, to just _see_ him.

 

And then he saw him. He was being led away through the masses by his father, out of costume, his head held low, crown in hand.

It was a crushing contrast to the image Todd had seen mere minutes ago on stage, of a proud and blissful Neil, holding his head up high, his voice captivating and entrancing the audience.

 

Todd stopped dead in his tracks and as if Neil had sensed it, he looked back up for just a second, catching his eye. The sparkle was gone, replaced by dark shadows again, and Todd could feel his fear, the uncertainty and dejection emanating off of Neil. The blonde boy faltered under his gaze, the raw and honest emotions knocking him out.

 

The vast amount of hopelessness of the boy in front of him who had had such big dreams shattered something within him and made it hard to breathe, and just as he was about to say something, Neil took a deep breath and smiled.

He quickly turned around again and hurried to catch up with his father.

 

Todd was left alone, standing between masses upon masses of people, screaming and shouting, but the only thing he could think about was that Neil’s smile didn’t reach his eyes this time and that it was probably the most ugly thing Todd had ever seen.

 

 

“ _For the first time in forever, Todd had felt the gloomy and dull would around him being illuminated.”_

 

 

**§**

 

 

**I.**

 

Suddenly everything was quiet.

His mind had finally seemed to calm down and Neil could gather his thoughts. This was the right thing to do.

 

For a fleeting amount of time, he truly believed that he could break out, that he could be free and live his dream but it all came crashing down. The waves of darkness came down on him once again, harder and stronger than ever before and Neil just did not have the power to fight his way back up any more again.

He just could not bear it any longer, it felt like suffocating and being burnt alive, it was like being enchained and brainwashed, he was no longer his own person and what good would it be to roam this world as an impostor?

 

He was happy now, though. There was a way out, finally, and not only that but among billions and billions of people he also had had the privilege of meeting the most magnificent of them all.

 

Todd Anderson.

 

Neil wasn’t sure if he believed in soulmates or not, he never really did think about things like that, but if there was such a thing he would with wholehearted conviction say that his had been Todd Anderson.

The short while they had know each other for, had been the best time of his life, from the moment they first met to their last bittersweet encounter — everything had been filled with _so_ much emotion and _so_ many moments to cherish.

 

There wasn’t much that could faze Neil Perry but Todd had left him stunned on multiple occasions. He gave him hope, made him believe that anything was possible if only he could treasure that feeling that Todd gave him for just a little bit longer. That feeling of being in control, of being _alive_.

 

In the end he was weak, he guessed. If only he could have been as strong as Todd, as brave as him. But he simply wasn’t Todd. And that was a good thing because Todd was Todd and Todd was perfect. He wouldn’t want to trade him or the time they spent together for anything, not even his own life.

 

Neil was at peace though, everything was quiet, everything was calm.

It would soon all be over and he could leave, knowing three things for certain: acting has been and always will be his dream, Todd is a stronger person now, able to overcome any obstacles thrown his way and he, Neil Perry, had loved him all along.

 

—

 

The realisation hit Todd like a bullet.

 

Neil Perry.

 

His colleague. His roommate. His inspiration. His mentor. His friend. His _love_.

 

Todd was good with words, that was _his thing_ , but somehow, just in this moment, he could not even form proper coherent thoughts.

His breathing became shallow and he had to sit down, burying his face in his hands, hiding his wide grin. It was so obvious, how could he not have noticed it sooner? It had always been Neil. Everything he did, everything he was, it was all because of Neil.

 

From the first time he ever saw him, making him out to be this angelic, godlike person when he was in fact so much more than his perfect looks, Todd could not stop thinking about Neil. Since then, every moment they had spent together has been special, filled with electricity and light and emotion — raw and unfiltered. Whether they were good or bad emotions, it didn’t even matter, at least there was _something_ , at least it made Todd _feel_ anything again.

 

Neil gave him confidence and strength, qualities he had admired so much in other people, never believing that they could someday be his own. Maybe there was another way, maybe there was a way out, a way for both of them to live their dreams and be whatever they wanted to be. _Together_. Because that is where Todd wants to be, at Neil’s side, and if he had anything to say about it, he never wanted to leave that place ever again.

 

_“We live in the small spaces between words, hiding between the said and all we cannot say.”_

_(Lauren Eden)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! if you enjoyed it, please leave kudos and/or a comment it would make my day! also if you want to cry together with me about ships hmu on tumblr --> [lonelydoctors.tumblr.com](http://lonelydoctors.tumblr.com)


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